From Fear to Love

"Whatever you regularly and frequently think about becomes the inclination of the mind." ~ Buddha

It's not a secret... I am single and I am looking. Valentines Day is always a pleasure for single people (insert sarcasm here). Women are anticipating and expecting something from their Boyfriend or Husband/Fiance. But what happens when you are single? I've never been asked out on a date for Valentines Day. Now, I am not a professional single person and there's a possibility that actually happens... just not in my experience. Then a friend of mine sent out a Newsletter with the message "Date Yourself". Honestly... brilliant!!!


For the past year I've had the attitude that if no one wants to take me out I'll take myself out. I'll go to a movie I want to see or make a special dinner for myself by candle light. There's no shame in having a nice meal and a glass of wine for yourself. But when I tell people I have done this for myself I receive looks like I'm crazy accompanied with and exasperated, "You DO?!?!?"


No, I'm not crazy, weird or off my rocker. I'm not a fork short of a set in the silver drawer. I choose to treat myself as I would want to have someone treat me.


Today I realized that I had stopped doing that for myself and I caught myself in a massive place of lack within multiple areas of my life. I am stuck. I was listening to a Dharma Talk by Gil Fronsdal and he suggested to pay attention to your thoughts while you are brushing your teeth. What is going through your mind in the most mundane and mindless task you perform during the day. I am often thinking about my schedule, to do list, laundry, grocery, schedule (again), bills, job, class, themes for class, how many people will be in class......... on and on. It struck me that not one of these things was a positive, loving, kind, compassionate thought. Often my daughter runs into my room crying about her hair saying that, "It's not doing what I want it to do!" Like her hair is purposefully not obeying, is out to get her and ruin her life. I realize that this sounds full of drama... and it is... she's seven and seven year old girls are like that sometimes. I remember one time I asked her to ask her hair, "Hair, what do YOU want to do today?" Then brush it all back and wait for your hair to move into it's place. Now, this works if your little girl has long hair, and long hair can be placed in a pony tail as a quick fix. This particular time it worked. She was amazed and, of course I walked away (all-knowing-like) saying, "See what happens when you treat your hair nice?"


So why don't we treat ourselves nicer? Kinder? More gently? I am incredibly hard on myself. I realized today that after almost four months of being laid off and completely starting over in a new career I am expecting myself to be rocking it financially - and this isn't necessarily a conscious thought! But, it is prevalent enough that I am thinking about finances all the time! If I take a look back and see what I have accomplished it is great - I'm doing great! But, when I compare what I am making now to what I was making financially before...... yea..........


Now I have a choice - go back and do what I was doing before or continue on this path. If I go back and do what I had done for 10 plus years prior to this moment I would be working to work and pay bills... not working to live or have fun or have a life or work because I love it. I would be miserable. If I stay on this path I may be broke... but I will be happy with the ability to positively effect a lot of people's lives. This is the part of the story where I ask, "Would you rather be broke and happy or wealthy and miserable." This is also the part of the story where people usually hmmmm and haaaawww because success equals financial wealth to most people. I'd like to turn that around and have success mean personal wealth in relationships and loving your work.


Sounds good.... doesn't it? Honestly, this scares the crap out of me. My family taught me that in order to be successful you needed to be financially wealthy, work hard and hate what you do. I never saw my Dad pop through the door after work saying what a great day he had. He was miserable, wanted to eat and have his quiet time watching the news. My brother and I would tip-toe around the house so we wouldn't bother him during as he re-entered the world. This is a mindset I need to get over!! These are the miscellaneous thoughts that are going through my mind as I'm brushing my teeth. My deepest fears going through my mind. Applying loving kindness to these thoughts would certainly help and reduce my fear!!


Here's the big question; Can you expand your capacity for love and kindness? I have found this relatively easy to do for other people but not as successfully for myself. My new challenge is to take these thoughts of kindness and apply them to myself. Of course I'm still going to challenge myself (hence this blog) but can I be tender in my thoughts to myself during this time? Can I apply a gentleness to my thoughts and give myself a break? I am willing... It's a work in progress.

Why I love Yoga

There is a saying that I have heard Yoga Instructors use to open up the spirit, heart and mind of the students... it is simply "How Wonderful."

Breathe in... lift your arms out wide and your shoulders up... fill your lungs completely... bring a smile to your face and as you exhale melt and say "How Wonderful."

This is opening to grace. Creating the space in the body for wonderful things to happen. When the body opens up our mind opens and our spirit can shine. Practicing yoga, to me, isn't just a series of postures on my mat at home, studio or a gym. Yoga is what I learn from those postures and what I take with me as I walk out into the world. It allows me to be steadfast in my values and beliefs and shields me from the hurricanes that pass me on the outside.

There is a style of yoga that I practice and love called Anusara. This style of yoga has five Universal Principles. Three of which are (1) Open to Grace, (2) Muscular Energy and (3) Organic Expansion. Utilizing these three principles together are how I've survived a divorce, a major move, the sudden loss of my father and being laid off from my job within 3 years.

In this style of yoga allowing yourself to open to possibilities is the first step. Without preconceived notions, expectations of a specified result and openness to the Divine anything can happen. But, the work still needs to be done... and this is where Muscular Energy comes into play.

With muscular energy we are steadfast. We use muscles we never realized we had to lengthen, deepen and widen our poses. This energy can change the way a person walks, stands and talks. With muscular energy we stay true to what we value. Those compassionate beliefs that are at the core of our heart. We stand true in these beliefs and nothing that happens outside can rock us. But too much muscular energy and the pose becomes rigid... the flexibility to open up to new ideas, concepts or poses becomes more difficult. Enter Organic Expansion.

With Organic Expansion the steadfastness of the pose doesn't change. The foundation has been built but the time has come to soften the edges. This happens within the calm and serenity of the breath. This is where the spirit shines out from the core. The more stable the core the greater the shine.

These three lessons are what I take with me from class... daily and sometimes twice a day... no matter what style of yoga class I take. Keeping with me the openness to accept possibility, strength in my foundation and belief in my connection to the Divine and ability to unapologetically shine out. When there are rumors, issues, and problems that could potentially shake foundations I breathe and remember the strength in my values and my connection to the Divine. I renew my focus and take another step forward choosing to believe what I know to be true in my heart instead of conjecture. Those things that happen outside of me are exactly that... outside of me and out of my control. Yoga teaches me to become more flexible to potential outside influences that may effect me and keeps me rooted in the present moment... focused on my breath... and the actions necessary for me to achieve my goals.

... How Wonderful ...

I have an unwavering conviction to this style of yoga that has taught me more about life, my crooked body and how to be with my mile-a-minute mind. It is in my heart and part of my soul. It is here where I feel at home. The concepts, alignments, language and foundation that this style delivers is not for everyone. However, in this style, those that stay rooted in their convictions will continue to shine and teach others how to tap into their inner light. They will continue to be of service in the midst of any storm. It is the people... the Kula... the community with this strength that I know I can count on to get me through anything.

THIS is why I love yoga.