Instant Gratification

Hello... my name is Kim and I'm an instant gratification addict. Really, I am addicted to the production of instant results!  I also think I was raised to expect instant gratification. In school I was expected to get the answer to the question and/or problem correct as quickly as possible. In sports I was expected to excel and move up as quickly as possible. At work I'm expected to turn deliverables around on a dime and progress up the corporate ladder in a given timeframe. I read about diets that claim I can lose 20 pounds in 20 days... REALLY???

You know what I'm learning? Instant gratification doesn't work for LIFE. You gotta' learn this shit (sorry) the hard way... and guess what... it takes time. This time thing is driving me nuts. No, literally, it's making me crazy. I want this to go faster... like... be done yesterday. That expectation is nuts!

I've learned a lot about myself over the past couple years but this instant gratification "ah-ha" is new. Not that my perfectionist tendencies weren't apparent, but understanding where they stem from is an interesting exercise in self-inspection. Gut check time! How strong does a person need to be, in the American culture, to take a long, hard look internally and call bullshit (again, sorry) on yourself?

A couple of tricks to learn before attempting this... something called "Non-Attachment" is a good thing to learn. Detaching from a result, an expectation, an outcome and allowing what will be to arise and take shape on it's own without force or attempting to control. That's my own small definition and this is one of the hardest concepts I've attempted to learn.

Another great tool... or trick... to have under your belt is TIME. Yes, time. It's not going anywhere - it's been around for years. Knowing that there is time to make a decision, or time to think, or time to respond has created a sense that I can be in the moment and allow myself to relax. The problem with being an instant gratification addict is the sense that there isn't time, it must happen/be done now... NOW!

Both of these tricks/tools come to one point; mindful consideration. There are extremes, for example, sitting on your hands and not making a decision... and/or completely detaching from a situation and not taking ownership could be incredibly harmful - in multiple ways. Therefore, employing mindful, or thoughtful, consideration to the situation at that moment, and allowing the time for mindful consideration to happen, is an important skill to cultivate.

I know many people either heading into a divorce, or in the process of getting a divorce, or divorced for a while. Being recently divorced I don't fall into one of the previous categories. But instead, this limbo category where the act is done and gone, yet the "new life" hasn't fully taken off. This instant gratification junkie expected the results of a Porsche (0 to 60 in a couple of seconds) and, instead, I feel I'm stuck in a rusted out Pinto (I'm not going to even attempt a comparison). There are steps forward and back in this process... sometimes even sideways. Remember when you had to learn square dancing in Gym class? I feel like I'm starting a new dance that I haven't been coached on yet... and I'm waiting for the calls that I know; Bow to your partner, bow to your corner... Do-sa-do Your Partner... and I couldn't wait for "Promenade!".

Instant gratification girl would like to know what plays the coach is going to call... let me study... give me a clue... I want a cheat sheet... COME ON - THROW ME A BONE!!! But, the joke is on me, because that's not how this thing called LIFE works. It throws you curves, it makes you jump to the side, and sometimes it has you square dancing with the guy (or girl) that you'd rather not hold hands with. But in the end, a lesson is learned. And, hopefully, you know a little more about yourself as a result.

One of my friends has a catchy quote that always makes me stop and think, "May you pass every test." Life is many tests strung together. The trick is becoming aware of the pattern - of MY patterns. I've also heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Becoming aware of my patterns... and attempting to stop the knee-jerk reaction is the practice that takes time, and courage, and patience, oh... did I mention forgiveness and compassion? I've even started to let go of some of my perfectionist tendencies (I know... shock). But to break the cycle of insanity I need to start somewhere.

Instant gratification girl is still alive and kicking in the back of my mind...  and I keep looking for that piece of mental-duck-tape.

Life is an aspiration. its mission is to strive for perfection, which is self-realization. The ideal must not be lowered because of our weaknesses or imperfections.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever been in a situation, or a place in your life that you stop... literally stop in your tracks... and wonder "What am I DOING???" The realization hits you like a ton of bricks that you've been running on full speed - like a car with a cinder-block thrown on the gas pedal. And you've run out of gas my friend.


I've had many moments like this over the past couple of years. I am more aware of some than others - just because the situation was more impactful to my life at the time. For example; I bought a house last year. I moved from a large house to a tiny place about half the size. I'm still going through the furniture and other general stuff and giving away, throwing out, basically purging and getting down to the basics. But, I digress. 


I moved into this house thinking, "It's small, not much lawn to mow, the driveway is longish but ok... I can do this." Well... October came and the wind slammed down on us from Canada and stripped every single leaf on the 5 mature trees that I have around this tiny house. Initiation by fire... or should I say blower. By December, I had purchased more power tools than I had even thought of in my life. The realization that I HAD to have a LARGE snowblower came about that same time. The first snow hadn't yet come down upon us, so there were plenty of snow blowers to choose from. The largest size was 28" wide. These blowers came equipped with a headlight and heated hand grips. Not to mention the electric start (bonus) and the controls all in one bar between the handles. The thing even had 5 forward speeds and 3 reverse speeds. Yes, this is the blower I purchased. As I watched (with three kids watching a DVD in the back of my car), three guys took apart the handles and lifted the massive power tool into the back of my boyfriends' Durango. First, thank God for my boyfriend... Second, thank God for his Durango... otherwise that sucker wasn't getting back to the house.


Back to the point. The first snowfall came and I was ready. I couldn't wait to use this monster. I got bundled up and ran out to the garage - let's DO this!! Pumped, at 5:30 am I'm ripping the snow apart. At 6:00 I'm almost done with the driveway, but losing momentum. At 6:20 I'm finishing the driveway and head to the sidewalk - at which point I'm thinking, "This is NUTS!" I finally finish at 6:45. Put the blower back in the garage and head back into the house to shower for work... hoping I haven't completely disturbed my daughter from her long winter's nap. I close the garage door and stop... dead... in my tracks. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!!!???!!! I'm a single mom that just bought a house that she THOUGHT was going to be easy to take care of and apparently I... AM... SO... TOTALLY... WRONG!!!


Al-righty then... breathe... close your eyes... feel your heart beating... Life goes on... 


I take a look up and see tiny flakes falling from the sky backlit from the lights on the house. The trees  have a wonderful blanket of snow on every branch. The evergreens are breathtaking. And the humongous evergreen in the front yard is amazing. That's when I realized everything would be ok. Because no matter how hard I worked at this place it would be worth it for the simple beauty and peace that surrounded it. THAT is why I chose to buy the place.


In a perfect world, I would be able to handle whatever is thrown my way with ease and grace. I'd like to believe that I strive to be the duck appearing to float upon the water while my feet are going crazy underneath. But that's where the practice comes in. It's not the appearance of calm that matters - it's being calm within the chaos that counts. 


It has been a long time since my last post. I had this thought tonight and figured, "Why not?" Just like my snowblower incident, I needed to take that next step. Physically take the next step. I'm not attempting to solve world peace, just do what I can, where I am, with what I have at my disposal. That's how I can make a difference. That's how I know everything will be ok. That's how I believe that no matter what the Universe lobs over the galactic fence to me, I'll be able to handle it.


... I got this...