From Fear to Love

"Whatever you regularly and frequently think about becomes the inclination of the mind." ~ Buddha

It's not a secret... I am single and I am looking. Valentines Day is always a pleasure for single people (insert sarcasm here). Women are anticipating and expecting something from their Boyfriend or Husband/Fiance. But what happens when you are single? I've never been asked out on a date for Valentines Day. Now, I am not a professional single person and there's a possibility that actually happens... just not in my experience. Then a friend of mine sent out a Newsletter with the message "Date Yourself". Honestly... brilliant!!!


For the past year I've had the attitude that if no one wants to take me out I'll take myself out. I'll go to a movie I want to see or make a special dinner for myself by candle light. There's no shame in having a nice meal and a glass of wine for yourself. But when I tell people I have done this for myself I receive looks like I'm crazy accompanied with and exasperated, "You DO?!?!?"


No, I'm not crazy, weird or off my rocker. I'm not a fork short of a set in the silver drawer. I choose to treat myself as I would want to have someone treat me.


Today I realized that I had stopped doing that for myself and I caught myself in a massive place of lack within multiple areas of my life. I am stuck. I was listening to a Dharma Talk by Gil Fronsdal and he suggested to pay attention to your thoughts while you are brushing your teeth. What is going through your mind in the most mundane and mindless task you perform during the day. I am often thinking about my schedule, to do list, laundry, grocery, schedule (again), bills, job, class, themes for class, how many people will be in class......... on and on. It struck me that not one of these things was a positive, loving, kind, compassionate thought. Often my daughter runs into my room crying about her hair saying that, "It's not doing what I want it to do!" Like her hair is purposefully not obeying, is out to get her and ruin her life. I realize that this sounds full of drama... and it is... she's seven and seven year old girls are like that sometimes. I remember one time I asked her to ask her hair, "Hair, what do YOU want to do today?" Then brush it all back and wait for your hair to move into it's place. Now, this works if your little girl has long hair, and long hair can be placed in a pony tail as a quick fix. This particular time it worked. She was amazed and, of course I walked away (all-knowing-like) saying, "See what happens when you treat your hair nice?"


So why don't we treat ourselves nicer? Kinder? More gently? I am incredibly hard on myself. I realized today that after almost four months of being laid off and completely starting over in a new career I am expecting myself to be rocking it financially - and this isn't necessarily a conscious thought! But, it is prevalent enough that I am thinking about finances all the time! If I take a look back and see what I have accomplished it is great - I'm doing great! But, when I compare what I am making now to what I was making financially before...... yea..........


Now I have a choice - go back and do what I was doing before or continue on this path. If I go back and do what I had done for 10 plus years prior to this moment I would be working to work and pay bills... not working to live or have fun or have a life or work because I love it. I would be miserable. If I stay on this path I may be broke... but I will be happy with the ability to positively effect a lot of people's lives. This is the part of the story where I ask, "Would you rather be broke and happy or wealthy and miserable." This is also the part of the story where people usually hmmmm and haaaawww because success equals financial wealth to most people. I'd like to turn that around and have success mean personal wealth in relationships and loving your work.


Sounds good.... doesn't it? Honestly, this scares the crap out of me. My family taught me that in order to be successful you needed to be financially wealthy, work hard and hate what you do. I never saw my Dad pop through the door after work saying what a great day he had. He was miserable, wanted to eat and have his quiet time watching the news. My brother and I would tip-toe around the house so we wouldn't bother him during as he re-entered the world. This is a mindset I need to get over!! These are the miscellaneous thoughts that are going through my mind as I'm brushing my teeth. My deepest fears going through my mind. Applying loving kindness to these thoughts would certainly help and reduce my fear!!


Here's the big question; Can you expand your capacity for love and kindness? I have found this relatively easy to do for other people but not as successfully for myself. My new challenge is to take these thoughts of kindness and apply them to myself. Of course I'm still going to challenge myself (hence this blog) but can I be tender in my thoughts to myself during this time? Can I apply a gentleness to my thoughts and give myself a break? I am willing... It's a work in progress.