Life is an aspiration. its mission is to strive for perfection, which is self-realization. The ideal must not be lowered because of our weaknesses or imperfections.

~ Mahatma Gandhi

Have you ever been in a situation, or a place in your life that you stop... literally stop in your tracks... and wonder "What am I DOING???" The realization hits you like a ton of bricks that you've been running on full speed - like a car with a cinder-block thrown on the gas pedal. And you've run out of gas my friend.


I've had many moments like this over the past couple of years. I am more aware of some than others - just because the situation was more impactful to my life at the time. For example; I bought a house last year. I moved from a large house to a tiny place about half the size. I'm still going through the furniture and other general stuff and giving away, throwing out, basically purging and getting down to the basics. But, I digress. 


I moved into this house thinking, "It's small, not much lawn to mow, the driveway is longish but ok... I can do this." Well... October came and the wind slammed down on us from Canada and stripped every single leaf on the 5 mature trees that I have around this tiny house. Initiation by fire... or should I say blower. By December, I had purchased more power tools than I had even thought of in my life. The realization that I HAD to have a LARGE snowblower came about that same time. The first snow hadn't yet come down upon us, so there were plenty of snow blowers to choose from. The largest size was 28" wide. These blowers came equipped with a headlight and heated hand grips. Not to mention the electric start (bonus) and the controls all in one bar between the handles. The thing even had 5 forward speeds and 3 reverse speeds. Yes, this is the blower I purchased. As I watched (with three kids watching a DVD in the back of my car), three guys took apart the handles and lifted the massive power tool into the back of my boyfriends' Durango. First, thank God for my boyfriend... Second, thank God for his Durango... otherwise that sucker wasn't getting back to the house.


Back to the point. The first snowfall came and I was ready. I couldn't wait to use this monster. I got bundled up and ran out to the garage - let's DO this!! Pumped, at 5:30 am I'm ripping the snow apart. At 6:00 I'm almost done with the driveway, but losing momentum. At 6:20 I'm finishing the driveway and head to the sidewalk - at which point I'm thinking, "This is NUTS!" I finally finish at 6:45. Put the blower back in the garage and head back into the house to shower for work... hoping I haven't completely disturbed my daughter from her long winter's nap. I close the garage door and stop... dead... in my tracks. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!!!???!!! I'm a single mom that just bought a house that she THOUGHT was going to be easy to take care of and apparently I... AM... SO... TOTALLY... WRONG!!!


Al-righty then... breathe... close your eyes... feel your heart beating... Life goes on... 


I take a look up and see tiny flakes falling from the sky backlit from the lights on the house. The trees  have a wonderful blanket of snow on every branch. The evergreens are breathtaking. And the humongous evergreen in the front yard is amazing. That's when I realized everything would be ok. Because no matter how hard I worked at this place it would be worth it for the simple beauty and peace that surrounded it. THAT is why I chose to buy the place.


In a perfect world, I would be able to handle whatever is thrown my way with ease and grace. I'd like to believe that I strive to be the duck appearing to float upon the water while my feet are going crazy underneath. But that's where the practice comes in. It's not the appearance of calm that matters - it's being calm within the chaos that counts. 


It has been a long time since my last post. I had this thought tonight and figured, "Why not?" Just like my snowblower incident, I needed to take that next step. Physically take the next step. I'm not attempting to solve world peace, just do what I can, where I am, with what I have at my disposal. That's how I can make a difference. That's how I know everything will be ok. That's how I believe that no matter what the Universe lobs over the galactic fence to me, I'll be able to handle it.


... I got this...